A Parody: Tess Of The D'Urbervilles
by GothicPenguin367
Summary: A parody of the book. Lots of crack and randomness. Since the book is so 'depressing', I thought it needed lightening up a bit. Please read and review, I hope you enjoy!
1. Phase The First: The Maiden

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

**Parody:**

_Tess Of The D'Urbervilles_

By Thomas Hardy

_Phase The First: THE MAIDEN_

Parson Tringham: Oh look, a drunk on the road. How pleasant.

John Durbeyfield: Urrr….?

Parson Tringham: Oh, it's Durbyfield! What a delightful happenstance! I have some news for you, _Sir John_.

John Durbeyfield: Wha… what you talkin' bout Willis?

Parson Tringham: You're nobility!

John Durbeyfield: No wai!

Tringham: Yes wai!

John Durbeyfield: Well I'm just going to believe you straight away! And scream it from the rooftops! Modesty, who needs it? I R ROYALTY!

Tess: Tra la la, I'm an innocent girl! Just look at my clean white dress! Obviously, nothing could ever happen to such a pure young sprightly thing such as myself.

Hardy: Oh ho ho!

Tess: Let's dance, oh womyn!

*bunch of women in white dresses dance around the maypole*

Angel and some other dudes: Hey, dudes. Let's join this group of womyn uninvited and dance the night awwwwaaaaayyyy!

Angel: *dances with everyone but Tess* Aha, main character? Who cares about her?

Tess: *watches Angel*

Angel: Time to leave, ma homies!

*men start to leave, but Angel sees Tess watching him*

Tess: *sad to not have been asked to dance*

Angel: *regrets not asking her to dance*

Reader: Woah, they're both surprisingly upset about this seeing as they've never met.

Hardy: It's going somewhere, trust me.

Hardy: Lol, I'm the only person who can get away with using the word "nosegays"

Tess: I'm home to my family of peasants! Woe is us, look how poor we are.

Joan: Not for long, pure and simple daughter of mine!

Tess: Excusez-moi?

Joan: We're suddenly related to a rich noble family - The D'Urbervilles! I, like your father, am accepting this without question!

Tess: Wow, in father's drunken state, he must be telling the truth! But I am going to proceed with being rather less surprised and enthusiastic than one would expect. Where is dad?

Joan: Oh, BTW, your dad's gonna die. He's too fat.

Tess: I am not going to worry about his imminent death and be more concerned about where he is at this exact moment.

Joan: He's at the pub.

Tess: Oh, well that makes sense. Told you're gonna die if you don't stop your gluttonous ways, so go and get drunk!

Joan: Don't worry, untainted daughter of mine! I'll go find him.

Tess: I'll go.

Joan: NO! I insist.

Tess: …You just want to get drunk too, don't you?

Joan: …No. *goes to door* Don't wait up!

Tess: Oh, woe is me, now I must take care of my mother's shit-load of children.

*Hours pass…*

Tess: Hmm… they're not back yet. I know, I'll send my little brother to trek, alone, in the middle of the night, alone, in the wide open countryside, alone, where he is TOTALLY SAFE from robbers and drunks even though they're known for laying about the street. And I'll send him to a pub, full of drunk people! Yes, this is logical.

Abraham: Yaaaaaaay! *leaves*

*Later still…*

Tess: Don't say that Abraham's drunk too! *sighs* I must go myself and leave my mother's shit-load of children all alone. What was the point of sending my brother anyway? Ah well *leaves*

John: *is wasted beyond belief*

Joan: John? Hello? *waves hand in front of his face*

John: …Do I know you?

Joan: *facepalm*

John: Anyway, can I get any money out of this new revelation of nobility?

Joan: Husband… I had an idea. Let's send Tess alone to meet with this stranger possibly with the name D'Urberville who I heard of. Unprotected. Completely alone.

John: What a good idea, wife!

Abraham: Then we can get a lot of money!

Joan: …We have obviously corrupted that boy. How old is he exactly?

John: What're you doing here, boy?

Abraham: Tess decided to send me alone to trek, alone, in the middle of the night, alone, in the wide open countryside, alone, where I am TOTALLY SAFE from robbers and drunks even though they're known for laying about the street. And she sent me to a pub, full of drunk people.

John: Sounds logical.

Hardy: *writes phrase in dialogue "Tess is queer"*

Reader: LOL.

Hardy: Oh, grow up.

Tess: *arrives* Oh dear god, why was I cursed with a family of alcoholics?

*Tess proceeds to drag her father home*

John: Mind the goods, darling.

*Next morning…*

Tess: Where's father?  
Joan: Hangover.

Reader: What a surprise.

Tess: I'll go do whatever with the bees, if we can force my little brother who needs his sleep for his proper development and health to go with me at night!

Abraham: *Sadly for him, he is woken up and taken with Tess*

Abraham: You happy you have an arranged marriage?

Tess: What is this madness?

Abraham: Madness? This is… wait, no, parents were talking about it when they were drunk.

Tess: Oh great. Who is it?

Abraham: This kinsman who you're going to meet for us. It's all about the money, sista *snaps fingers*

Tess: Hmm… I think I will ruin this young boy's mind and throw him into a premature depression. Abraham, we live in a 'blighted world'. People get drunk and die.

Prince the horse: *dies with dramatic irony*

This: *is surprisingly depressing*

Tess: *cries cries cries* It's all my fault!

Reader: *sniffles*

Hardy: Ha ha, this is just the start, peons!

Joan: Tess, go meet this kinsman of ours. I can't do it cause… er… look over there!

John: *looks*

Tess: Don't wanna go.

Joan: You will.

Tess: Shan't.

Joan: You will.

Tess: No.

Joan: Yes.

Tess: No.

Joan: Yes.

Tess: No.

Joan: John, back me up here!

John: I don't like the idea of my daughter going and making herself known to these strangers. I'm the head of the house, I should do it.

Reader: OMG! Is someone finally making sense here?

Tess: No, I'll suddenly change my mind. I killed the horse, I'll do it.

John: Yes, I agree!

Reader: …That logic streak didn't last long. When did she kill the horse? I must've missed that.

Tess: *proceeds on a ridiculously long journey, to someone who may or may not be a relative and may or may not help them, all alone*

D'Urberville Mansion: Unexpected modern-ness is unexpected!

Tess: I am surprised at the unexpected modern-ness of the mansion!

Hardy: I will now tell the back-story to how the D'Urbervilles became the Stoke-d'Urbervilles.

Reader: Nobody cares.

Alec: *has mouldy lips*

Reader: *hates him already*

Alec: Why hello there unprotected young girl! I will be your creepy relative this evening!

Tess: *is alarmed* I want to see your mother.

Alec: She's an invalid.

Tess: Wow, what a nice family.

Tess: I'm your relation.

Alec: Are you poor?

Tess: How'd you know?

Alec: I assume anyone but me is poor.

Tess: We use your family crest to stir the pea-soup.

Alec: I will proceed to flirt outrageously with my new relative!

Tess: Um… *backs away slowly*

Alec: *throws fruit into her mouth*

Tess: I don't want your fruit, I want your money!

Alec: Eat it out of my hand! It creates good imagery of seduction.

Tess: *reluctantly does so*

Hardy: *sets up foreshadowing for rest of the book*

Reader: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Joan: Tess! Tess! I've got a letter! Mrs. D'Urberville is accepting you as a relative!

Letter: *actually says Mrs. D'Urberville is accepting Tess as an _employee_.*

Joan: You must accept!

Tess: Don't wanna!

Joan: Not this again.

John: I don't like my children going away from home, these people should come to us.

Joan: Oh, come off it, we all know you'll give in at the slightest push.

Tess: I will begin to whine about the effing horse again which I am delusional enough to honestly believe I killed, which none of you are denying.

Shit-load of children: *wail annoyingly*

Tess: *Shows her bipolar side by suddenly changing her mind again* I'll go.

Tess: *starts the ridiculously long journey again, but by cart this time*

Alec: *joins Tess and drives manically fast*

Tess: Slow down!

Alec: Since I'm trying to woo you, I'll do the opposite!

Alec: And now I'll tell you horror stories about the horse you're now sitting on!

Tess: This is supposed to make me want you, how?

Alec: *keeps going faster*

Tess: *finally flips* Slow down you maniac!

Alec: If you kiss me.

Tess: How does that make sense?

Alec: Who cares? It's a plot device.

Tess: *lets him think he can kiss her, but dodges at last minute*

Reader: Lol! Owned!

Alec: Fie fie! You'd go back on your word?

Tess: Humph.

Alec: *kisses her*

Tess: *wipes mouth with handkerchief*

Reader: Tess is awesome!

Tess: *has been employed… to whistle… to chickens*

Tess: Oh great… this town is full of drunks too. Wait… I might join them. *joins town in long pilgrimages just to wet their whistles*

Alec: Aha! Tess! What a surprise to see you here!

Tess: …Are you stalking me?

Alec: *pauses* How dare you! I would never *shifty eyes*

Tess: Uh-huh. I've just got here, but I am going to constantly ask to go home.

Dancers: *change partners to find one to satisfy them, and dancing becomes more passionate. Couples start to fall down*

Hardy: Symbolism, bitches!

Alec: Hello, My Beauty. You still here?

Tess: Obviously *eye roll*

Alec: I'll take you home, Cousin.

Tess: No way, creepy bastard.

Alec: Very well, Miss Independence!

Tess: Must you always refer to me by some stupid nickname?

Alec: Whatever do you mean, Coz?

Tess: *sighs*

Hardy: "It was a three-mile walk…"

Reader: Hold up, they walked three miles for THAT?

Hardy: …Your point?

Reader: I suddenly am very grateful for cars and pubs being every few yards.

Car: *back gets covered in treacle*

Everyone: *laughs*

Car: *To Tess* Dost thou laugh? How darest thee! Hussy!

Tess: Well, my night's pretty much gone down the pan.

Hardy: FORESHADOWING FORESHADOWING FORESHADOWING!

Alec: I will wear a thin disguise of your knight in shining armour!

Tess: *escapes with Alec*

Car: *starts to laugh*

Reader: …Huh? Is this the alcohol?

Car's mother: *laughs knowingly* Out of the frying-pan, into the fire!

Reader: …Shit.

Hardy: Exactly *sighs sadly* Prepare yourselves, readers. Though with the insane amounts of foreshadowing I've given you, you should be ready for anything.

Alec: Why don't you like me kissing you?

Tess: If you hadn't noticed by now, you're a moron. *speaks slowly* I – don't – like – you.

Alec: But don't I dazzle you?

Tess: …Excuse me?

Alec: I saved you from the pack of alcoholic beasts! Are you not grateful?

Tess: I suppose I should be.

Alec: SCORE!

Tess: But I'm not.

Alec: We're lost.

Tess: What kind of saviour are you?

Alec: A thinly disguised one. We seem to be in the woods.

Tess: Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Alec: Hey, nicknames are my thing! Anyway, I'm going to leave you, all alone, in the middle of the woods, while I 'look for a way out', and just hope you don't get mauled by any wild beasts or anything.

Tess: How gracious of you.

Fog: Aha, I blind you! I blind you senseless!

Alec: Uhh… could this be some kind of symbolism again?

Hardy: Got it in one!

Alec: Tess? Where are you?

Tess: *sleeps, unhelpfully*

Alec: *somehow, magically, his head appears right beside hers so he hears her breathing*

Hardy: I am now going to bombard you all with so much symbolism, it is hard to tell what is actually happening!

Alec: Surprise sex!

Reader: No way! He's not… this is so sad. Poor Tess *cries*

Hardy: Alas, I have now confirmed this novel's place in the classics section! Just call me 'Thomas Hardy: Depressive Author Extraordinaire'!

_End of Phase The First_

A/N: Please review!


	2. Phase The Second: Maiden No More

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

**Parody:**

_Tess Of The D'Urbervilles_

By Thomas Hardy

_Phase The Second: MAIDEN NO MORE_

Tess: I'm heigh-ho-ing out of here!

Alec: *chases her* Why were you sneaking off like this? Not telling anyone?

Tess: Wow… you really are an idiot.

Alec: Why did you come here anyway? Not for my love, that's for sure.

Tess: I didn't realise your intention until it was too late.

Alec: That's what every woman says.

Reader: *outraged* 'Every woman'? How many has he done this to?

Hardy: Tee hee, I'm a genius.

Alec: *surprisingly, apologizes*

Tess: *unsurprisingly, does not accept*

Alec: I fear you'll never love me.

Tess: What are you, retarded? Of course I won't, fool!

Alec: Let me kiss you goodbye.

Tess: *mechanically allows him to do so*

Alec: Well, you are absurdly melancholy, Tess!

Tess: Gee, I wonder why that is.

Alec: *finally leaves*

Reader: Thank goodness for that. Now Tess can get back on track.

Hardy: *coughs* Of course.

Random man: *skips along merrily*

Tess: *tries to ignore the man's blatant disregard for Hardy's created atmosphere*

Random man: Wait for me while I do this stile.

Tess: *waits, for some unknown reason, for this random stranger*

Random man: *has been writing rather bleak spiritual messages on stiles*

Stile: _"Thy, damnation, slumbereth, not."_

Tess: I don't like your extracts! They're crushing, killing!

Reader: You spoke my mind.

Man: That's what they're meant to do.

Reader: …This is supposed to be an incentive to join Christianity? Personally, no offence, but I'd rather stick to the more uplifting stuff, thanks.

Random man: Aha, another blank canvas! Wait for me?

Tess: No.

Reader: Phew.

Joan: So, you and D'Urberville getting married?

Tess: No. *tells mother all*

Joan: And… you're not getting married?

Tess: Wha…? Did you just hear a single word I said?

Joan: You should have thought of your family, instead of yourself for once!

Tess: …Why do you think I went out there in the first place?

Joan: If you weren't going to marry him, you should have been more careful!

Tess: My mother… is a moron.

Joan: Word: Bitch. Definition: Me.

Townspeople: For some unexplainable reason, we are jealous that Tess was raped.

Tess: For some unexplainable reason, I am starting to believe that it is worthy of envy.

Hardy: *writes lengthy description of surroundings and seems to nearly introduce Tess to the reader with her lengthy description as well*

Reader: …This is reading like chapter one.

Hardy: But! There's a twist. Patience, my disciples.

Reader: What was that?

Hardy: Nothing! *under breath* Well, you all soon will be anyway.

Tess' sister: *hands Tess her baby*

Reader: Whaaaaaaaaaaat? A baby?

Hardy: Told you.

Tess: *manages to kiss the baby with both contempt and passion*

Reader: …How does one do that, anyway?

Hardy: Like that *points to Tess*

Reader: Helpful.

Random women: She loves the baby, although she says she hates it.

Reader: This girl is messed up.

Hardy: It gets worse.

Reader: Stop torturing the poor girl!

Hardy: Where's the fun in that?

Reader: *sighs*

Baby: *ill*

Tess: The baby hasn't been baptised! Send for the parson!

John: No! You have disgraced this family! No parson shall enter this house! …Flip, I'm such a tool.

Tess: *shows great initiative* Screw tradition! Mother's shit-load of children, let's baptise the baby ourselves!

Baby: *Does not have a name*

Tess: I baptise thee, Sorrow.

Baby: You call that a name? Thanks, mum. *dies*

Shit-load of children: *cry*

Reader: *cries* Is the book going to be this depressing the whole way through?

Hardy: Finally getting it, are you?

Vicar: *refuses to bury Sorrow*

Reader: *outraged*

Tess: Will it be just the same if I bury him?

Vicar: *unsure* Yes, it will be the same.

Reader: Okay, he's not so bad.

Tess: *buries Sorrow in the Churchyard of Mass Symbolism*

Hardy: "Tess felt the pulse of hopeful life still warm within her…"

Reader: *scoffs* Hope? Didn't think that was in your dictionary.

Hardy: Ha, ha *eye roll*

Tess: *gets invitation to go and work as a milkmaid*

Dairy: *is near D'Urberville residences*

Reader: I smell something unpleasant on the wind.

Hardy: Please. In this novel, the wind is _always_ full of the unpleasant.

_End of Phase The Second_

A/N: Please review!


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